Tales from the Med Bay
by Dragonseeker789
Summary: You meet Connor the Unicorn in 'Do Doctor's make Ark Call's' He's back! The Ark will never be the same again!
1. Chapter 1

**Tales from the Med Bay - Sideswipe**

Disclaimer:

The Transformer universe is owned by Hasbro. I don't own them, just borrow them to use and abuse, pat their heads and send them home. I make no money from this story. (I wish!!!) I do own a crowd of party Dragons who would enjoy eating and drinking you out of house, home and castle!!!!

Personal Disclaimer:

Dragon would like to point out that she doesn't condone the use of violence, torture or coercing in any way, shape or form in real life. But these stories are straight out of her warped imagination and she is happy enough to write about it!!

I don't know if this will turn into a series?? Have NO idea where this one came from??

For once the Ark med bay was quiet and peaceful. Ratchet had indulged in giving it a 'quick clean.' This meant that the room was cleaner than any human 'clean room' facility. Everything was squeaky clean down to a molecular level.

He, First Aid and Wheeljack were cleaning and recalibrating the medical support equipment. He had even relented and allowed Aid to have the radio on. It was playing a light jazz tune quietly in the background.

First Aid cocked his head slightly, listening intently.

"Can you hear that?" He asked.

The other two exchanged glances and listened. Faintly, they could hear laughter. More laughter sounded, nearer and quite hysterical. Then, along with the laughter, they picked up a 'squish, squish' noise. The noise became louder and stopped outside the doors.

Ratchet stood, moving around the table to have the doors directly in line of fire, picking up a wrench, just in case!!! The doors opened and………………………………………

Ratchet hung onto the side of the table in an effort not to fall on the floor laughing. A thump from behind him told of one of the others failing. He thought he was going to burst a servo, he was laughing so hard.

"This is NOT funny!!!!" Gargled and spat from the mech who squelched in.

"Ha haHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAH!!! IS!!!!!!!" Jack squealed.

Sideswipe tried to give him a patented 'Sunny Death Stare' which failed miserably. Well, it would have been scary if he wasn't covered in bubbling pink goo.

"Ratchet!!!! It's in all my servos and relays. It's cold and it squelches!!" He whined. More of the pink stuff bubbled from his joints.

"And it's all over my clean med bay floor!!! You little fragger!!" Ratchet managed to gasp out. He grabbed a scanner and held it near the melee warrior. The pink goo was………………………. "Blancmange???? How in the Holy Name of Primus Below have you got Blancmange INSIDE your body???"

This set Jack and Aid off again, their hysterical laughter was contagious. Ratchet started chuckling again. Sideswipe stomped to the table and sat on it, leaving a pink trail behind him.

"Don't prank Unicorns!!! They cheat and use magic!!!"


	2. Chapter 2

**Tales from the Med Bay - Ratchet**

Disclaimer:

The Transformer universe is owned by Hasbro. I don't own them, just borrow them to use and abuse, pat their heads and send them home. I make no money from this story. (I wish!!!) I do own a crowd of party Dragons who would enjoy eating and drinking you out of house, home and castle!!!!

Personal Disclaimer:

Dragon would like to point out that she doesn't condone the use of violence, torture or coercing in any way, shape or form in real life. But these stories are straight out of her warped imagination and she is happy enough to write about it!!

Well, it is med bay – He's got to be in there somewhere!! This is not a slash fic, well if you squint and use your imagination. Oh!! Yes!! Still can't do accents. It's Irish!!

It had been an interesting day, Ratchet mused as he updated his medical log. No Decepticon activity but 'odd' accidents.

Like Red Alert, somehow, trapping his hand in the doors of the Security Office. Jack said the sensors were slightly out of sync. This had not stopped Red insisting that it was a conspiracy and he was going to arrest someone. He only quietened when Inferno gently pointed out that not even he could arrest the Ark!!

First Aid had run out muttering something about an emergence with Blades and a trash can. He had been tight lipped about it when he returned.

He absentmindedly rubbed his chevron and nearly jumped out of his plating as a voice spoke.

"Ya know, ya work too hard!!"

The visitor sat on the chair, boots crossed at the ankles and ………………………. On HIS desk!!! Ratchet bit back on the volatile expletives that rose in his vocaliser. He knew what could happen if you crossed a Unicorn.

The humanized Unicorn smiled a dazzling, disarming smile at the medic. He knew that putting his boots on the desk would be provocative; he'd only done it to see if he could irritate the medic. He laughed, removing his feet and leaning forwards to rest his arms on the desk.

Cerulean optics locked with emerald green eyes.

"Can I help you Connor? Or have you decided to torment Sideswipe a little more?" Ratchet asked.

The smile grew as Connor began to laugh. His hair, the colour of pampas grass and finer than silk, swirled around his head.

"Ha Ha Ha!! He's lucky!! Dragon talked me out of using tapioca!!"

"Did she??" Ratchet made a mental note to 'speak' to the English woman. "Do you have any idea how long it took me to clean his systems out?"

"Well, me first idea WAS molten lava, but she talked me out of that as well!! Can be quite persuasive when she puts her mind to it, can my Dragon."

Ratchet raised an optic ridge. "Your Dragon?? Sunny might disagree."

"Phiff!!" He waved an elegant hand dismissively. "She's playing with him. She belongs to me." An odd look passed over his face. "Ha!! We'll keep that little titbit between the two of us?"

"Hummmm!" It was Ratchet's turn to smirk. "So, what did you want?"

"Came to see if Jack was about, but he's asleep. Paddy's off doing Onelight knows what! Went to see Dragon and she uttered the words guaranteed to make the strongest warrior head for the hills screaming in terror!"

Ratchet waited expectantly. Connor grinned and cleared his throat, speaking in Dragon's voice.

"Oh!! Hi Connor. Tess and I are going shopping. Want to come??? AH!! I'd rather have me mane and tail platted by goblins and me hoofs painted pink!!"

Ratchet chuckled. "Sorry, Jack's still recovering. He had fun with something volatile yesterday."

The doors to med bay 'whooshed' open. Ratchet leaned to one side to see who it was.

"Ratchet!! You in here?"

"In the office Ironhide."

Ironhide stopped short in the doorway when he saw Ratchet's visitor. He'd never actual met the Unicorn on any of his visits, but he knew who he was. His face broke into a wide grin and he chuckled.

"Seeing Sideswipe get his comeuppance made my year!! Ha Ha!! No, make that my century." He said.

"What's the problem 'Hide?" Ratchet asked around the laughter.

"Shoulder's grating again." Ironhide pulled another chair up to Ratchet's side of the desk.

"I'll get you some lubricant." Ratchet began to rise. Connor watched intently.

"And here I've got the finest lubricant known across the realities." He said, a bottle of amber liquid appearing in his hand like magic. (Well, it WAS magic actually!!)

"Sorry Connor." Ratchet said gently. "We can't process alcohol."

"Sure you can!!" Connor reached across the desk and grabbed their hands.

Ratchet powered down his optics as the office spun. He opened his eyes………………. Wheeljack had tried to explain the difference between a Cybertronian body and a human body, but the explanation fell far short of the reality.

"Haaaa!! Frag it to the Pit and back!!" Ironhide exclaimed in something like horror and fascination.

Connor sat back with a satisfied look on his face. The night might not be such a washout after all.

Ironhide's human body was powerfully built, dressed in black boots and trousers, red t-shirt with his Autobot emblem on the front. Short red hair framed a strong, mature face.

Ratchet's was slighter, dressed in black boots, white trousers and a tunic top with a red belt. The red + on his shoulders were now more an X shape. His Autobot emblem was the buckle of his belt. His hair was close cropped and silver grey with black streaks emulating his chevron.

"Ha Ha!! You look like you should be at an England footy match with those on your shoulders!!" Connor laughed.

Ratchet glared. Dragon had called him St George on more than one occasion.

Three cut crystal glasses appeared on the desk. Connor poured a generous amount of the amber liquid into them.

"Now!! Seeing as the two of ya's are novices. Sip it slowly!!"

Ratchet had his hands on his chest, feeling it rise and fall, he raised one hand to his neck and felt delicately with his fingers, the other hand rising to run through the short hair.

"I've got a pulse!!" He exclaimed happily.

"Bloody hope so!! Drink!!" Connor urged.

Ironhide closed his hand around one of the glasses, marvelling at the feel of the crystal. He raised the glass and sniffed at the liquid, taking a cautious sip. He licked his lips and took another longer sip.

"Smooth as ol' MacAdams finest back at the Oilpit in Iacon!!" He breathed, almost in reverence.

Ratchet did a double take and quickly grabbed the last remaining glass. His eyes widened in surprise as he tasted the liquid.

"You're right!!" He grinned. "Figure it will have the same effect??""

Ironhide slapped the desk with his free hand. "One!! Two!! Three!!" They both emptied their glasses with one gulp. Connor was torn between horror at a good malt bring treated like that and admiration for their guts!!

After much gasping and coughing, finding that their new eyes could make copious amounts of fluid and when they could speak again. Ironhide pushed his glass across the desk.

"Fill it up sparkling!! That's slaggin good stuff!!"

Ratchet's glass followed at light speed. For a moment, Connor was outraged!! But he considered, they did reckon their age by the millennium.

Later.

Much later!!!

Sideswipe was bored. He sat alone in the Security Office and was royally bored out of his CPU!!! The Decepticon's were most likely all tucked up on their own bunks, dreaming evil dreams. Or on each other's bunks having fun!!! He should have brought his game boy.

The door opened. Sideswipe turned in his seat. His jaw dropped at the sight of the two humans who swayed in the doorway, holding onto each other for support. The humans looked familiar??

Ratch? Hide?" He queried. The Energon in his holding tanks turned. Then another body slid around the doorframe, leaning on it for support.

The effort was valiant but futile. Sideswipe had taken two steps when his feet left the ground. "AHHHHHH!! SCRAP!!!!" He screamed.

Talented fingers dug into the sensor bundle in his back. Tweaking and realigning it. Warmth spread through out his back. The hands moved up to the back of his neck, massaging, making him feel soooooo good. Feminine voice, spoken with lips just above the skin.

"Feel better?"

"Hummmmmmm!! Tess!!"

The communication system screamed like a spark in torment. It was followed by a voice slur singing!

"I'lllllllllllllllll Takkkkkkkeeeeeeeee youuuuuuuuu homeeeeeeeeeee againnnnnnnnnnnnnn Kathleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeennnnnnn!!! Wassss next??"

Optimus Prime bolted on line, battle protocols engaged and fumbling for his rifle. He rolled…………… and fell off his bunk onto his aft. He 'blinked' ripped from his dream and thrown into a nightmare.

"Ha Ha!! Right!! Acrossssssssssssssssssss the oceannnnnnnn wideeee and wildddddddddddrider!! Wildrider?? Where the frag did that littl' slagger come from???????"

Optimus jumped to his feet and ran towards Command.

"Prowl?" He radioed.

"Security Office Optimus." Came the answer.

There were several mechs outside the Security office when Optimus arrived, including the recuperating Wheeljack, who had the door control panel off the wall. His head fins glowed lilac in frustration.

"There's nothing wrong with the wiring. The doors just won't open!!"

"Secondary security office." Prowl said, leading the way.

"Who's on security detail?" Optimus asked.

"Sideswipe!! "If this is his idea of a joke!!" Red was almost incandescing at the thought of anything happening to his beloved office. They entered just as Blaster managed to clear the video feed from the other office. The sight silenced them all.

Ironhide, it could only be Ironhide who was the singer!! And he was human!! He was sat on Red's chair, feet up on the desk singing…………… Badly. He had a bottle in one hand that he took frequent drinks from. He whirled around in the chair, bringing his other hand up, it held a weapon, and he fired at.

Sideswipe!!

Sideswipe hung upside down. Tied with something that sparkled. He was gagged and wriggling madly. His body was covered in sucker arrows. This was what Ironhide had fired at him.

Just beyond the strung up melee warrior. Connor and ……. Ratchet?? Stood together. Connor appeared to be trying to teach the inebriated medic some kind of dance step. Ratchet tried and failed.

He tripped and was caught by the Unicorn. Ratchet was laughing as he buried his head on Connor's shoulder, as he raised his face; Connor touched their foreheads together and whispered in his ear. Ratchet's look turned confused.

"Next verse!! Same and worse!!! I'lllllllllllllllllllllll Takkkkk……………."

"I've killed the sound link Optimus." Blaster said.

"Thank Primus for that!!" Jazz exclaimed. This was echoed by others.

"Stupid fragger!!" All optics turned to Sunstreaker. He stood; arms crossed watching his twin squirm. He caught the look Optimus gave him.

"He was warned. I told him. Dragon told him, frag, even Tess told him not too, but he just had to prank the Unicorn!! Don't worry. Dragon made Connor promise that anything he did back would be none lethal. Didn't say it wouldn't be humiliating though!! Make sure you get a recording, I want a copy!! Dragon will love this."

"Me too!!" Said Wheeljack. "Ratch will spit bolts when he sees what he's doing."

"Errrr!!" Exclaimed Bluestreak, squinting at the monitor. "What ARE they doing?"

Jazz cocked his head onto one side.

"Could be the can-can!! Or 'He's off his aft-aft!!'"

On the screen, Ratchet tried a turn to his dance steps, staggered and ended up sitting on Ironhide's knee. He grabbed the bottle and took a long draft. Laughing, Ironhide offered him the weapon.

'THUD!!'

"One Hundred and Eighty!!" Connor squealed with laughter, as the arrow hit Sideswipe between the optics. "Now me bucco's, who's for a little paint ball??"


	3. Chapter 3

Tales from the Med Bay - Prowl

**Tales from the Med Bay - Prowl**

**Disclaimer: **

The Transformer universe is owned by Hasbro. I don't own them, just borrow them to use and abuse, pat their heads and send them home. I make no money from this story. (I wish!!) I do own a crowd of party Dragons who would enjoy eating and drinking you out of house, home and castle!!

**Personal Disclaimer:**

Dragon would like to point out that she doesn't condone the use of violence, torture or coercing in any way, shape or form in real life. But these stories are straight out of her warped imagination and she is happy enough to write about it!!

This should have been for Valentines Day, but I didn't think of it until today!! There's implied slash, but no actual.

Prowl sat stoically on the med bay table, trying to ignore the warm, pleasant sensations that flooded his neural net.

"For the love of Primus!! Quit twitching!!" Ratchet snarled.

"I assure you I am trying Ratchet. But even with the sensitivity turned as far down as I can get it to go, it's difficult."

Ratchet sighed; he knew that this must be embarrassing for Prowl. 'I wonder how many pictures of this there are?' He thought. He would have sworn that there had been more than of a touch of hysterical laughter in Primes voice as he'd gently told his second that his decals had been…………….. Retouched!!

Instead of the normal police decals that usually graced Prowl's door wings, they now sported pink teddy bears holding red hearts with the words. 'I love cops'

Ratchet couldn't stop his lip components quirking into a grin. After all, today WAS the 14th February, St Valentines Day. The Autobots had adopted the day and its ideas as they had a lot of the unusual holidays and customs of their adopted home.

But who had been able to enter the 2IC' quarters and paint the teddy bears?? There were two contenders. Sideswipe and Jazz, but could either of them paint this well? So maybe that brought in another contender? Or the two acting as one?

Although outwardly, Prowl was the image of calm, inside he was seething. Which one?? Which one?? It wasn't the decals, privately Prowl thought they were cute. Not that he would ever admit it!! But who had entered his quarters and painted them on??

As a saboteur, Jazz had the skill, but then again, so did Sideswipe!! Primus forbid that Jazz should ever decide that Sides would make a wonderful addition to his little team of infiltrators and spies!! And the three main suspects were each other's alibis!! Jazz had been on patrol with the twins…………………. Hadn't he??

Hummm!! Yes. He would need to be ……………… interrogated!! Although Prowl was certain that chaining your prisoner to a bunk, writing your name in Energon all over his body and licking it off, wasn't in any Autobot interrogation manual!! Maybe it should be??

And if it proved not to be him, he was sure he could come up with a……………… suitable punishment for that red pitspawn. Maybe he should be interrogated in the same fashion? That was a technique that Prowl hadn't tried before. His optics narrowed. Painting? Artist? Were the three of them in it together??

"There you go Prowl." Ratchet patted his shoulder. "All done. You don't need your decals repainting. This stuff of Jacks took the new paint off cleanly. Know who it was?"

"Not yet." Prowl stood, twitching his wings. "But rest assured, I will!!"

Hee Hee Hee!! Why do I think Prowl's going to just love this interrogation?? And so will the one or should that be three who are to be interrogated?? Oo !! If this technique gets out, the queue of 'bad guys' will be round the block!!


End file.
